How Can I Communicate Better With My Partner?

Relationships between two people don't exist in isolation. Past experiences, personal history and expectations all influence a relationship, and often the way we communicate in our relationships is as a result of our past.

If you’re one of the many people who feel that you and your partner do not communicate properly, this post is for you. Here I explore how to open the lines of communication, especially if the relationship is suffering, and help build a stronger union.

Many people find that they are not confident about talking about difficult issues and emotions, even with their partner. They find themselves either getting upset or angry and struggling to really explain how they feel or what’s bothering them. This can be particularly difficult if their partner is not a great communicator either, or if they are super confident and prone to dominate a conversation.

You can get help with confidence issues and this can have a really positive impact on your relationships, helping you communicate better and build deeper relationships. Hypnotherapy for confidence can help, you can find out more about this treatment here.

The Importance Of Good Communications

Communication with your partner is not only talking about everyday topics like ‘how was your day’ or ‘did you have a good day at work?’ It’s about really making the time and effort to listen, be interested, and talk to each other in an open manner.

Couples who have good communication when things are going well will also find it much easier to communicate with each when things are not so good. This provides you with a great foundation for dealing with life’s ups and downs and making your relationship work through thick and thin.

The ways in which you communicate with your partner can make or break a relationship. Below are some tips for communicating when things are difficult. Following these can help you deal with emotions, resentments and relationship issues, and improve your relationship with your partner:

  1. Finding the right time to have a difficult conversation is one of the first things that you can do. If there is a problem or issue it is essential to make time to discuss it calmly in the right environment. Clear a few hours to have that difficult conversation so you’re not rushing. Put all of this in the diary/calendar so that there is no opting out.
  2. Make sure it’s face-to-face. These days there are so many ways to communicate like text messages, Facebook, Skype or emails. But these are not the best way to communicate with your partner about serious issues. Face-to-face, however difficult a conversation is the best way of opening lines of communication.
  3. Choose your words carefully when you are talking to your partner. Sometimes when we are angry and frustrated, the word ‘you’ sounds attacking and can result in your partner to be defensive and not receptive to your message. You can use instead ‘I feel that we had not been talking recently’ instead of the pointy finger ‘you’.
  4. Being honest is important as if you want the relationship to work even if telling the truth to your partner hurts. Every person makes mistakes and admitting and apologising for them is a natural process. This will make the relationship stronger and you will feel better.
  5. Your body language is another important factor. Sit and speak in a calm manner, give your full attention and make eye contact.
  6. There is saying that you should never go to bed angry. So if you or your partner is still hurt by an argument you had, follow the 48-hour rule and have that difficult conversation. Have the conversation about why you/they are angry or upset, and get it out in the open.

Ways To Communicate If There Is Anger

Most couples go through a period where there is anger in the relationship, it is, therefore, important to learn to resolve any conflict that arises in a healthy manner.

  • If you get angry take a deep breath, Stop, calm down and step back. Either go into another room, go for a walk or listen to your favourite music or do some activity that distracts you. Don't vent the anger, give yourself breathing room to stop and listen to what your partner has to say in the disagreement you both are facing.
  • Think about the reason behind your anger, what was the situation that caused the upset and the words used. Be honest and open with yourself and your partner and don't let the situation build up so the angry thoughts are swirling and you cannot think straight.
  • Talk in a calm manner to your partner and follow the stop and think first, then breath deeply and gently explains your point of view. Also important at this time is to look at the non-verbal communication signals that your partner is displaying, for example your partners’ body language (folded arms, no eye contact etc.), the tone of both your voices, eye signals and listen patiently to each other’s viewpoint. All these will give you a clue to what is occurring in the discussion and ways to resolve the issues.
  • Listen to your partners’ upset feelings, hurt and give them your full attention. Do this in a safe environment: your relationship deserves an expression of feeling from both partners in a safe environment. Don't let the anger, hurt and pent up emotion dominate. Break the cycle of not communicating and listen to your partner point of view and say ‘I sometimes don't hear what you are saying, but now focusing on listening to you’.

The most important part of communicating well with your partner is not letting a discussion turn into an angry argument. Treating each other with respect and keeping the discussion focused on one topic only, and making the time to have that difficult conversation. Sometimes we resort to cheap shots that can get the argument only more heated so by being respectful and stop, think, talk and listen you will then open the lines of communication with your partner in a healthy way.

If you think that hypnotherapy for confidence could help you become a better communicator, or would just like to discuss how it can help, please get in touch. Email astarandrea@gmail.com for a confidential chat about your feelings and the challenges you face.


Can Hypnosis Really Stop Me Smoking For Life?

Many people who have unsuccessfully tried other methods of giving up smoking are naturally sceptical about the effectiveness of hypnosis to stop smoking. I don’t blame you. If you’ve tried other smoking cessation approaches and still found yourself reaching for a packet of cigarettes, you will know that it’s not an easy habit to quit.

So what makes hypnosis effective, where other stop smoking methods fail? Read on to find out how this treatment works and whether it’s right for you.

How Hypnosis Stop You Smoking For Life

Hypnosis is a deep state of relaxation and focused attention, which a person goes in and out every day. This is when your subconscious mind is open to suggestions and ideas.

Health Implications Of Smoking

Everyone knows that smoking is bad for you, but if you’re smoker those warnings on the side of a cigarette packet only serve to make you feel more helpless about giving up. Let’s face it; it’s easy to not to think about the health implications when you don’t think you have the strength to quit.

During a hypnosis session, the clinical hypnotherapist will remind you that smoking can cause cancer and damage your health long-term. Suggestions and ideas can be reinforced during the session so that when you do read a health warning on a packet of cigarettes, instead of pretending it’s not there your subconscious mind will heighten your awareness and compel you to act.

Replacing The ‘Positive’ Aspects Of Smoking With Something Better

In most cases, smokers view the act of smoking as a positive influence, and this is programmed in your subconscious mind through the repetitive action of smoking.

You may feel smoking helps you:

  • Relieve your anxiety and boredom
  • Give you time-out from work or at home
  • Relax and help you concentrate
  • Feel confident when you are with friends
  • Deal with some uncomfortable thoughts and emotions
  • Helps you to fit in with your friends that smoke
  • Be in control of your weight as you will eat if you smoke
  • Keeps your hands busy
  • Reduces your stress and irritability

Your subconscious mind has become programmed to believe those smoking cigarettes will help make you feel better, reduce stress and any feelings of discomfort. After smoking for many years, smoking has now become this habit that has been repeated many times, reinforcing this positive association.

Hypnosis for smoking cessation works by reprogramming your subconscious mind so that smoking is not associated with positive things. Your therapist will also teach you ways to replace the feeling that smoking creates with healthier and better alternatives, for example by teaching you how to cope with stress or learn relaxation techniques that replace your smoking habit.

When Other Smoking Cessation Methods Have Failed

Typically hypnosis to stop smoking is used as a last resort when nothing else has worked. Often the reason that these methods have failed is because they don’t address the underlying issues of why someone smokes. Such as because they associate smoking with relaxation, or they always have a cigarette when they have a coffee or glass of wine.

Some of the methods people try first are –

  • Their willpower, but as they still think of themselves as smokers they force themselves to ‘stop’. If they ‘enjoy’ their cigarettes, then stopping creates a conflict within themselves which results in more stress and anxiety.
  • Cutting smoking down is another way that people try to quit but your body still has nicotine. So hours or days between cigarettes does not take away the cravings and the withdrawal that you will feel. You will count the hours between cigarettes and will eventually cave in and smoke more and more.
  • Nicotine patches and gum, e-cigarettes and medications do not reduce the nicotine in your body. But the habit and the cravings have not been addressed, and the reasons (emotional aspects of the smoking habit) for smoking also still exist.

With clinical hypnosis and cognitive behaviour therapy, you can change your habits and behaviours, and your unconscious mind will choose healthier options. Most of the time people smoke cigarettes because of the conditioned response to stimulation from their environment or a habit they cannot break.

Some Myths About Your Smoking Habit

And How To Overcome Them With Hypnosis And CBT

Most people believe in the stories or beliefs they tell themselves:

  • Withdrawal is difficult and I can’t cope with the cravings. When you smoke you imagine the pleasure it gives you and when you give up you start to crave that pleasure and don't want the pain and misery of quitting. During a hypnosis session, you are given tools and techniques to get perspective on the habit and ways you can avoid slipping into the addictive trance state.
  • I cannot give up as I have failed before. Most people try the different methods to quit cigarettes and use hypnosis as their last port of call, but hypnosis helps them re-programme their subconscious thoughts, feelings and beliefs about their smoking habit so they then are in control of their behaviour.
  • I don’t have the willpower. Your motivation and willpower to quit smoking will be enhanced during the therapy session and you will get to know the real reason why you smoke and why you want to quit. You will view your behaviour with a different perspective and awareness of the impact cigarette smoking has had on your health. You will then feel free from the cravings and realise how smoking has affected your life and use the new found freedom to believe in yourself and be a happy and healthy non-smoker.
  • I’ve smoked for too long, it’s too late to give up. You realise that you cannot just stop smoking as you have been smoking for a long time. With the support and help of an experienced and accredited clinical hypnotherapist and cognitive behaviour therapist, you will come to the decision that smoking is harming your body and your subconscious will make changes that are permanent.

Sammy told her friend that her smoking habit was out of control. She was smoking 20 cigarettes a day for 35 years.

“I felt that if I had not given up smoking I would not have gotten over my chronic chest infection and breathlessness. Now I can breathe a little better and even walk up the stairs without stopping. My clothes smell nice and so does my breath. I had tried to give up smoking before but the cravings and the stress always made me smoke again. Now I feel free, it does not worry me if people smoke around me, I have started with some gentle exercise daily and I am saving the money I spent on cigarettes to go away in the summer next year. Hypnosis helped me gain clarity about where my life was and where I wanted to be. I am glad I did try clinical Hypnosis and CBT as I feel better than I ever felt before”

Find out more about using hypnosis to stop smoking here.